The curse of loneliness

Abhik Roy, SNS, 06 November, 2016: In their super hit song “Eleanor Rigby,” The Beatles asked a poignant question:

“All the lonely people

Where do they all come from?

All the lonely people

Where do they all belong?”

While we may not have the answer to their question, the fact is that we have been dealing with the desolation of loneliness since antiquity. Through the course of Western literature the overarching theme of loneliness has run like a strong thread of woe. Many of these works depict the lives of quintessential loners who are often forced to go the solo route.

Loneliness, which Emily Dickinson described as the “Horror not to be surveyed,” is a quiet devastation that afflicts millions all over the world. BBC News recently pronounced loneliness as a “hidden killer” of the elderly. Loneliness has been defined in various ways. Most people agree that loneliness is a state of being alone. Loneliness does not necessarily imply that one is alone but rather has the perception of being alone. In other words, it is a state of mind. Loneliness, however, must not be confused with solitude. People generally enjoy solitude, which often leads to creativity, self-realization and self-growth. Loneliness, on the other hand, engenders a feeling of emptiness, separateness and stress in an individual.

Based on its causes, loneliness generally consists of three types:

Situational loneliness: Socioeconomic and environmental factors such as discrepancy between the levels in an individual’s needs and social contacts, migration, interpersonal conflicts, accidents and natural disasters, among others, are a reason for this kind of loneliness. Internal loneliness: Individuals who tend to have low self esteem and self worth generally seem to feel lonelier than others. This kind of loneliness usually stems from personality related factors such as mental distress, low self-esteem, and poor coping strategies in dealing with changing situations.

Developmental loneliness: This type of loneliness is caused by several factors such as personal inadequacies, separations, social marginality, poverty, living arrangements, and psychological and physical disabilities.

Loneliness is assertively democratic in its reach as it strikes indiscriminately at all ages, races, classes and religions. Despite loneliness’ eclectic reach, it appears that creative types are particularly vulnerable to this malaise. Just a few of these victims of loneliness certainly make up an impressive list: Albert Camus, Emily Dickinson, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Bob Dylan, Albert Einstein, Paul Gauguin, Vincent van Gogh, Ernest Hemingway, Franz Kafka, Abraham Lincoln, Somerset Maugham, Haruki Murakami, Isaac Newton, Ayn Rand, J.D. Salinger, Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn – the list goes on.

India is certainly no stranger to the malaise of loneliness. Research findings indicate that there are many who suffer from loneliness but are reluctant to talk openly about it due to the negative connotation it carries in our society. Telling someone one is lonely may suggest social weakness or an inability to stand on one’s own. There is, however, one important exception. Our own myriad-minded literary genius, Rabindranath Tagore, was not afraid to tell his friend and confidante, C.F. Andrews, that he was often quite lonely. In a letter to Andrews, Tagore confided: “I was very lonely – that was the chief feature of my childhood –I was very lonely. I saw my father seldom; he was away a great deal, but his presence pervaded the whole house and was one of the deepest influences on my life. I was kept in charge of servants of the household after my mother died, and I used to sit, day after day, in front of the window and picture to myself what was going on in the outer world” (Letters to a Friend, 1958, p. 22).

In another letter to Andrews, Tagore wrote: “Sometimes I would pass many months absolutely alone without speaking, till my own voice grew thin and weak through lack of use...” (ibid, p. 27).

Research studies show that loneliness is found to be very common among people who live alone. The current Indian demographic scenario points to the fast increase in the population of the elderly both in terms of proportion and absolute numbers (for example, 5.3%/1.25 million in 1951 to 7.65%/92 million in 2011). Additionally, changing living conditions (living alone vs. living with relations) also happen to be major source of loneliness.

Furthermore, factors such as widowhood, economic dependency and solvency are also important contributors for developing loneliness. Research findings also show that women are reported to be more at risk for loneliness than men.

John T. Cacioppo, a professor of psychology at the University of Chicago and Director of the university’s Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience, has been researching loneliness since the 1990s. He is of the opinion that loneliness is an aversive signal much like thirst, hunger, or even pain. Thus, “denying you feel lonely makes no more sense than denying you feel hunger.” Yet the word “loneliness” carries a stigma that discourages us to talk freely about it. Although many are reticent to talk about their loneliness, I met an elderly lady in her eighties during my recent travels to Kolkata who was quite willing to talk about the emptiness in her life.

Mrs. Gupta (not her real name), who has been a widow for almost 25 years, talked about how lonely her life has been since her husband passed away. Now that she lives all alone, after her children have relocated to other cities, life has been extremely challenging for her in many ways. Mrs. Gupta was quick to let me know that her telephone often doesn’t ring for days in a row, nor does she have any visitor for weeks on end. Her frail physical condition also prevents her from venturing outside home on her own. Mrs. Gupta also talked about her sense of helplessness and fear concerning who will come to her aid if she was to find herself in a critical condition. She shared with me that she watches a lot of television and some of the characters in the soap operas are like her friends who are present in her life on a regular basis. Mrs. Gupta spends her time sitting on the verandah, watching people on the streets or looking at the birds on a tree right outside her flat. She remarked that even birds don’t want to be alone; they are always looking for company. In order to while away her time, Mrs. Gupta often chats with her part-time cook and domestic help. But due to rigid social boundaries, she can never really have the kind of conversation that she would ordinarily have with her friends or acquaintances. She complained about her lack of interest in eating and about her problems with sleeping. It was heartbreaking to hear her say that she didn’t want to live anymore. In fact, Mrs. Gupta had entertained the idea of taking her own life in the past because she felt that her life was a cruel punishment. Every day was pretty much the same for her, which was marked by sorrow and a profound sense of emptiness.

Sadly, our country is filled with numerous lonely people of Mrs. Gupta’s ilk, but we don’t always get to hear their profoundly sad and heartrending narratives. Since it is a growing problem in India, we simply cannot ignore the plight of older adults who feel lonely and marginalized. Medical science has already shown with mounting evidence that loneliness is linked to physical illness, functional and cognitive decline and is a predictor of early death. Thus, it is incumbent upon the government to raise awareness of this malaise by informing the public that loneliness is a treatable rather than irreversible condition.

Loneliness cannot just be the business of those who are suffering anymore; it has to be everybody’s business. There are several effective ways to deal with loneliness, including discussing problems with others, helping others, engaging in activities, developing quality relationships with people who are similar, entertaining positive thoughts, joining support groups, starting a hobby, and staying in touch with family and friends, among others.

Let’s not forget that loneliness is a major health concern in our country, which leads to fear, fatigue, depression, sleeplessness, mental and emotional instability, suicidal tendencies, and much more. Therefore, like in the West, loneliness must now be considered a medical condition and not simply a psychological or sociological issue. While we can cure physical diseases with medicine, one of the most effective cures for loneliness and despair is by showing love and empathy for those who suffer from loneliness. It doesn’t cost us anything to say a few kind words to elderly people who appear to be lonely. Research shows kind words go a long way in lifting the spirits of lonely people. It is only by fostering a love ethic founded on empathy and compassion that we can create what the famous American writer, Kurt Vonnegut, describes as “stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured.”

The writer is professor of communication studies, Loyola Marymount University, Los Angeles.