Mom by choice, not wedlock

Sumati Yengkhom,TNN, KOLKATA: They are bold, uninhibited and gutsy women who do not fear to walk the untrodden path. They feel that they do not need to be someone's wife to attain motherhood. They are still a rare breed, but they have set the ball rolling for women to become mothers by choice.
Filmmaker and activist Anindita Sarbadhicari makes no bones about the fact that she is a mother of a son (a year and a few months old) without getting into wedlock. The idea hit her about four years ago when she realized that being on the wrong side of 30, her biological clock was ticking away.
"I always wanted to be a mother, whether I tied the knot or not. But this decision was something that I could not take whimsically as it would involve another life. That is why it took me about four years to plunge into the act," said Sarbadhicari.
Sarbadhicari approached gynecologist Dr T Biju Singh, who counselled and guided her to fertility expert Dr Rohit Gugutia. Through IVF with donated sperm, she conceived in early 2013, but it ended in a painful miscarriage. She did not give up. After giving herself a month's rest, she underwent the process again. This time it resulted in a fruitful pregnancy and she gave birth to her son Agnisnato.
"My only condition was that the sperm had to come from a person with high IQ. I am lucky to have progressive parents who stood by me through the thick and thin of pregnancy and the delivery," Sarbadhicari recalled.
Contrary to her apprehension about societal reprisal, Sarbadhicari is overwhelmed by the positive response from people of different walks in life. In fact, even civic officials did not raise an eyebrow when she told them that her son did not have a father and that she was the single parent, during the process of obtaining Agnisnato's birth certificate.
"My parents are supporting me in raising my son and I do not miss a man in the whole process. The only thing is that the whole procedure was quite expensive. In fact, obtaining the sperm was the cheapest," laughed Sarbadhicari.
As she is busy pondering on questions she might face from her son when he grows up, she is also planning to adopt a girl sometime in future.
"Every one of us, including women, would say 'wow' when they hear about these bold women. But how many would take the plunge themselves? A new beginning has been made for women who want a child without entering into wedlock," said Dr T Biju Singh.
Painter Eleena Banik, however, did not get this support from doctors. When she approached a fertility expert in Kolkata for artificial insemination about five years ago, the doctor almost reprimanded her for wanting have a child without a husband. Banik is a divorcee.
"The doctor told me to get married again if I wanted a child. My marriage ended in a divorce in 2003 and I did not want to enter another marriage only to bear a child. But I could not convince the doctor," recalled Banik.
After failing to get a positive response from two more city-based fertility experts, Banik travelled to another city in 2009 and got impregnated through artificial insemination. But the pregnancy ended in miscarriage. She decided to try it with another doctor in Kolkata after another attempt in a different city failed.
"This time the process was successful. I gave birth to my daughter Amaravati in May 2012. Since childhood, I have wanted to be a mother. I feel so complete now. I do not know how my father would have taken it had he been alive. But my mother has been supportive from day one," said the painter.
But the reactions from society to her single motherhood have been mixed. While there are few who have lauded her for her courage, there are some who have frowned on her. Even as she spoke to the TOI correspondent over the phone, a family member seated next to her at a restaurant near Lake Market fiercely objected to her talking about 'indecent' things.
"I am confident that I'll be able to raise my daughter into a good and responsible human being singlehandedly. But there have been mixed reactions. Not that I care about the negative reactions, as I am fully aware of what I am doing," said Banik.
Fertility expert Rohit Gutgutia feels doctors should encourage women if they are mentally and financially strong and know what they are doing. "The ICMR guideline allows women to have a child without a spouse. If these women can deal with the social and financial aspects, they should have the right to motherhood with donated sperm," said Gutgutia.